S01E04 - The Green
Would you like a happy ending to your massage?
Uh... What?
Uh, sure.
- This man is your birth father! - Oh, wow.
Not what I was expecting but, um, this is pretty cool.
- Uh, how are you, sir? - I'm gonna give you a hand job.
S01E04 - The Green
And I was like, "sorry, man.
I just wasted my last miracle on a duck."
All right, guys. I've, uh, got us some more water.
Excellent.
Uh, Jesus, if, uh, you'll do the honors?
Don't mind if I do.
Ding, ding, ding, di...
Oh, I touched his hand instead.
W-what does...
What does that mean? What did you just do?
I just turned all the water in his body into red wine.
Well, how much water was in his body?
Dude, people are made of, like,
70% water or something.
So... so you just turned 70%
of his biological make-up into wine?
- Y-yes. - Well, change him back!
- I don't know how! - Well, who does?
- Um, um, Satan maybe? - Then call him!
Right, right. Yup, yup, yup, yup.
He's dead! He's dead.
- Triptank. How can I help you? - I'm very angry at a lot of things,
but you have topped my list, Triptank!
Is that a tank I'm supposed to trip in?
You got some kind of L.S.D. L.C.D. hippy shit goin' on?
I will find you and I will slit every one
of your throats with a smile on my face.
Let me transfer you to that department. Hold, please.
Wouldn't take any of their barbarian bullshit.
I got it, Roy. Don't worry about it.
Donkey-kick that leather diaper-wearin'
King diamond wannabe right into the next week.
Triptank. How can I help you?
- Dad, come quick! - What is it, son?
It's grandma. She's not breathing!
- I think she's dead! - Oh, dear.
Welp, I guess I've got to book a funeral then.
Aw, I hate boring funerals.
I know, kiddo. I do too, but it's the only way.
Hold it right there!
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Tiny hippo had a tiny train.
He loved that train...
and they went everywhere together,
laughin' and playin' all throughout their tiny world.
Then one day, tiny raven swooped down
and stole the tiny train.
This made tiny hippo very sad.
But he decided that he would be brave.
So the next day, he walked up the tiny mountain,
crossed through the tiny valley,
climbed up the tiny oak tree,
and shanked tiny raven's tiny bitch ass.
Ain't no one with tiny hippo.
No one.
- Triptank. - I got this song.
I really think it'd be great
for the end of your show each week.
Okay? Kind of a folk-a-delic,
rodeo-core, easy-listening, black metal,
late '60s vibe, recorded by deaf kids from New Guinea.
Pretty sure you'll love it.
Please hold.
Hey, kids!
It's time for "versus"!
Versus!
This week's combatants:
third grade soccer team...
- Great kick, Jimmy! - Thanks!
versus...
Mongolian horde.
Bring it.
Oh.
My face!
Yes! Good teamwork!
Oh, running man, classic.
Huh?
♪ The time to be happy is now ♪
♪ and the place ♪ ♪ to be happy is here ♪
Aah!
♪ and the way to be happy ♪ ♪ is to make someone happy ♪
You like that? You like that?
♪ and we'll have a ♪ ♪ little heaven right here ♪
♪ we'll have a little ♪ ♪ heaven right here ♪
I want to leave!
♪ we'll have a little ♪ ♪ heaven right here ♪
What time did you say it was?
It's the time to be happy!
Third grade soccer team!
'Cause you cheat!
Everyone gets a trophy!
Hello? Triptank.
No, I was calling 'cause I love your show
and I have a little friend here who wants to be on the show.
Can I... can you hear him? He does great voice work.
Scorchy, go ahead.
Isn't he wonderful? Sh... hold on.
He's saying something.
Don't interrupt the little furry.
Oh, my god. Really?
Okay. You know what?
We're gonna pass anyways.
He wants to go to the park and a dalmatian.
Sorry.
America, welcome back to...
That last round knocked out Carl,
which leaves us with Sharleen and Felipe.
- You ready? - I was born ready, Dickey.
I'm the whisperer! I can smell it!
All righty, then. Down to our final two contestants
and a chance to play for this week's sexy grand prize.
Stu, tell 'em what it is!
A weekend at the white tail nudist resort in beautiful Kansas City!
Ooh!
All right.
Let's see what Ivana Humpanova has hidden
behind the curtain for this final challenge
of "do you think he can?"
What a surprise! Yes, yes, y'all!
Stephen Hawking, ladies and gentlemen.
Sharleen and Felipe, you have ten seconds
to decide whether Stephen Hawking
can actually , starting now!
Felipe, we'll start with you.
Stephen Hawking, famed physicist and black hole pioneer...
Do you think he can?
No, no, no. The junk don't work.
Ooh!
That is a brave choice, Felipe.
Sharleen, what is your answer?
Baste my boobies and call me a turkey.
Yes, he can! Whoo!
Wow. A split decision.
Well, the answer is... Yes!
Stephen Hawking can!
Sharleen, my little trailer trash cutie, you are the winner!
Oh, yes! Oh, yes!
- Big bang... - Oh, yeah.
Taste my milky way.
- I can. - Yes!
I can.
Yes, you can, Stephen. Up top!
Oh, that's not gonna happen.
Well, Felipe, you played a hell of a game,
but you won't go home empty-handed, my brother.
Stu, tell 'em what you got.
Felipe, your name will now appear on the national sex offender list.
- Ooh! - Congratulations!
Aah, why?
Aw, shit!
You know what that sound means. It's time for the...
That's right. And now, Sharleen, the chance to win it all.
Starting now!
Yes. Yes.
No. Uh, yes.
Uh, no. No. No. No.
Yes. Yes. No!
Yes, yes. No. Hell yeah!
Wow. That was a hell of a round.
Look at you. How do you feel?
I'm as tired as two rabbits screwin' in a wool sock.
- Did I win? - Let's go to the judges.
Sharleen...
You... have... won.
Hey, thank you so much for joining us.
Tune in next time for...
- Triptank. - Hey, listen, man.
This is the department of energy. Yeah, you need to shut down.
You're usin' up too much energy, man.
The polar ice caps are melting. I'm sure you've heard about it.
- Well, uh... - Okay.
Why don't you drop the sarcasm?
I'm standing here wearing flood pants, okay?
You've got what you call an Arizona shit storm,
and there's one comin' your way, wise-ass.
Mm-mm-mm.
I'd like to snack on a piece of that Gina.
- Roy, please. Don't. - She is one hot stuff
piece of cupcake little mama. Whoo!
I got it, Roy. Don't worry about it.
Stay back, you son of a bitch. Gina's mine.
We begin with newt juice!
Add a drop of dragon's blood!
A freshly squeezed Brazilian forest rumpletoad!
A whisker from a naughty witch's kitty!
A handful of virgin eyeballs!
And now we say the magic words.
Wakabazoo!
At last, it is complete!
Oh, yeah.
That's some good shit!
- Hello? - Oh, baby, oh.
If only I could just put out my hand and touch you.
Touch your hair and your...
- I'm sorry. Who is this? - What? It's Jeff.
Jeff, I'm sorry. You're not in my phone anymore.
We broke up, like, two hours ago.
What are you talking about?
Ooh, I got to get this.
My dad was so happy, he just bought me a car.
- What? - Isn't that so nice?
- That's why you got to go? - Bye!
But... I love you.
Hey, can you say that last bit just a little bit louder?
- Guys, are you recording this? - Uh, nope.
Because the thing about humans is,
humans need privacy, all right?
Especially when they're getting stabbed
in their human heart!
- Hey, what's privacy? - I don't know.
♪ Three aliens came from the sky ♪
♪ the galactic council sent them ♪
# and here's the reason why #
♪ their mission is to study ♪
♪ Earth's most average guy ♪
# to see if humans are worth saving #
♪ or if everyone has to die ♪
Wait. What?
Jeff! Jeff! Jeff!
- Can you take us to the zoo? - Ooh, ooh, ooh.
The zoo? Huh. No, I don't think so.
I'm not leavin' this house for a very, very long time.
Well, what about when you're happy again?
Can we go then?
When I'm happy again, we can do whatever the hell you want.
Yay!
Would a puppy make you happy?
No, I'm sorry, guys.
Aw...
Aah!
How about a lot more puppies?
Uh, appreciate the sentiment,
but you need to do somethin' with these puppies.
- Right now! - Aw.
Hey, Jeff. What do you think of this jacket?
It's custom tailored just for you!
This is actually pretty cool, guys. I'm imp...
Oh, my god!
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
No! No! God, forgive us. Forgive us, god!
Aah!
Get out of here.
- Linda? - I'm not ready to give up on us.
Wow.
That is the best sex we have ever had.
Are you happy, Jeff?
I think this might be the best day of my life.
- Great. - Oh!
Now you can take us to the zoo.
Yay!
- Triptank. - Yeah, hey.
I'm calling to say that this show
is my favorite show, man.
I love it. I watch it 24/7, christmas morning.
It doesn't come once a year.
It comes every time I.
- I watch the show, man. - Of course.
Man, like, when I was a kid,
My daddy died, and I thought I could never
love anything again, man, but this show
is better than my dad that died.
- Uh... - You don't love my love?
I give you love for the show,
and you throw hot cooking oil in my face?
- you. - I will kill you...
I'll give you five bucks to put him on hold.
- Hold, please. - Mother...
I bet you really regret running that story about Joey Valvano.
Now we're about to make my favorite breakfast food:
street pancakes.
No, please don't! Wait... who... whoa!
- You saved me. - It was really no problem, ma'am.
Glad to help. My name is Terrence. Yours?
Oh, um, Caitlin. The name's Caitlin.
- Nice name. - Uh, thank you.
Pretty name for a pretty lady.
Are you flirting with me, because I...
- No, ma'am. - Oh.
Oh, all right. Well, um, gosh.
- Thanks for saving me, again. - Still no problem.
Are you gonna land?
Absolutely, but we have a little problem.
Problem? What... what's that?
- I've never flown before. - Wait. What?
I-I saw a falling woman and I just wished really hard, and then I flew.
- What?! - I know, it's really weird.
So, yeah, eventually we will land, but I don't think
it's going to be like in the movies where I just slow up.
You know? We are flying pretty fast.
I have to go to a meeting!
- Where is it? - It's on Park Avenue.
- Can you see it from here? - No, I can't...
We are in the sky, and we keep on going up.
- Can you fly? - No.
Well, I just found out I could fly, so be grateful.
How important is this meeting anyway? You were about to die.
I wasn't planning on dying, so I... Okay. You know what?
Let's just do this like a plane.
- Uh, I'm a person. - I know. I know you're a person.
- I need you to start to fly downward. - That sounds so scary.
Come on, you're, like, 260 pounds of muscle.
I know you can land.
Maybe that's it! Just believe.
- Just believe in me. - Oh, my god.
Terrence, I believe in you!
This is horrible! Believing doesn't work.
- Believing doesn't work! - Just slow down!
Here we go. It's working!
- Yes! - It's working!
Oh... wait. What's happening?
Mmm. Street pancakes!
You have come seeking the Goblet of Valtoris,
little knight, but you must answer my riddle first.
And if you answer poorly,
I will gnaw the flesh from your bones.
What is your riddle, foul beast?
Until I am measured, I am...
- Time. - What?
- I'm not finished with the riddle. - I know, but the answer is time.
It may... you know, it may be, but it may not be.
Until I am measured I am not known,
yet how you miss me when I have flown. It's time.
Well, you heard the riddle before. That's not fair.
If you'd told me that, I would have
asked you a different riddle, like this one.
I drive men mad for love of...
- Gold! - Oh, come on!
- Do you have any more riddles? - No. I don't.
Those were my only two riddles.
Well, then I have passed your challenge.
Now give me the goblet, you stinking brute!
Do you think... let me ask you. Do you think it's weird
- that I've never had a girlfriend? - What?
I'm not trying to be gross,
but how many times a day do you, uh, masturbate?
What? N-no.
Because I'm, uh... I'm on that thing, like,
nine, maybe ten times a day.
Can we just do the goblet thing, please?
And it doesn't make me happy.
Like, I never... I'm never happy afterwards.
Just empty.
- Oh. - God, I feel so old.
And I never finish anything I start, except masturbating.
I finish that.
Well, I-I must be off.
Hey, uh, maybe you and me could take a vacation together.
You know what? Let me just... hold up.
Let me get your contact info, so we can plan it.
- It'll be fun. - You know, uh,
I'll get in touch with you about it.
So, can I just have the Goblet of Valtoris?
Ooh! Wait.
I am afraid you must answer my riddle first.
Who's my best friend?
Me.
You are good. You're good!
All right. Farewell, brave knight.
Okay!
Number 11.
Huh?
Hey, do you take debit?
Okay...
- Triptank. - My name is Tim Laroy.
I just noticed that a lot of times, when you play your skits,
they don't let me achieve full toss-off.
Because by the time the skit is over, I'm just gettin' started.
Um.
If you could just make your skits
last a little bit longer... say 35, 40 minutes...
'cause it really take me that much time
to get a sandwich, get a thing of wine,
relax, get my wrist loosened up, get out my
cocoa and/or shea butter and really get goin'.
- It's Triptank. - Yeah, hello.
I'm calling back, mother!
You hold me?
I'm gonna hold your wife, your kids.
If you're a gay lover, I'll hold your husband!
- Okay. - But seriously,
I'm just calling back to say how much I love the show, man.
It's like a bowl of cereal.
It's really good, okay? Merry christmas.
Oh, shit.
Think.
Language.
Ooh-ooh-ah... my name is Steve.
Hey.
Spring break.
Think.
Spam bot.
Hey, come on, man. Just chill out, bro.
Virus.
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